Itching Problem

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Hey! You guys are cool an i feel i can ax you anythin, right? Okay hear gos i got a problem and this is it. i itch a hole lot really bad an i do not no what or how to make it stop any ideas?
thanx,
davy J
978 Walkman Way
Tuscan, Arizona

Dear Mr. J,
Itching seems to be only one of your challenges. You do make your needs known and that is a plus! Consider returning to the eighth grade for a year even though I see by your enclosed bio [not reprinted here to save space] that you just received your Ph.D. is Comparative Literature from Yale summa cum laude. Advanced education often neglects the basics. This is the cause of your itch.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny