Holiday Problems

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I'm a simple person. I work hard, I don't cheat too much on things more than the usual or more than anyone else around me. You know what I mean, right? Stuff from the store room, a few paper clips, an extra cup of coffee that I don't pay for in the cup, maybe some Sharpies now and then. Sometimes a few dollars here and there. But basically I figure that I try to make people feel good in return and so it all balances out in the end, right? Are you following me here? Well, here's my problem: I need to find a retirement spot that is away from everything. Everything. I don't want the phones, drop-in callers. Nothing. Just peace and quiet. Far away, get it? Any ideas? Fast, please, I'm housebound.
Thanks in advance for your advice,
B. Madoff
East 64th Street
New York, NY


Dear Ms. or Mr. Madoff,
Your name sounds familiar. Have we been introduced? In any case, first we must clarify the problem of your lax ethical parameters. You have been stealing. If, as you say, you also have made people happy, then in your unevolved spiritual path you are trying to return some joy to the hearts of others by your efforts.

You must first make amends. This might involve returning the goods and money you took. If that is not possible, you might make a pilgrimage on your knees, say, a mile for every dollar you stole as a way of atoning. A thousand dollars would be a thousand miles. Think of what strong knees you'll develop!

Alternatively, since you are housebound, you might make out a check for the total amount and mail it to NannyWorld International Charity Enterprises. It will be distributed to needy and out-of-work Nannies and purify you. Nannies are going to be among the neediest in this time of economic crisis.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny