Ask A Nanny

Tea Party Etiquette

2010-09-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,

What is the correct etiquette when listening to the commentator Glenn Beck? I don't have a copy of Emily Post's book. I have never been to a Tea Party. Should I be wearing gloves? And if yes, should they be cotton or suede? Also, I don't like tea, can I ask for something else or is that improper?

Sincerely,

Glenda Moorelandswang

Cammophilia Road

Tonawanda, NY

Dear Ms. Moorelandswang,

Yes, you most certainly should wear gloves! They should be rubber and you should be double-gloved. A woman must be fully protected from infection and bacterial invasion from errant parasitic forms. I suggest disinfecting the television screen afterwards as well. Bleach works well, although some prefer Lysol. Mr. Beck's form of disease may be virulent, but it quickly dissipates when it reaches air. Yes, you may request to be served something else. It is your right as a guest at this table.

Yours in Good Manners and Common Sense,

Ask a Nanny

Hot in New York

2010-07-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

Dear AskANanny,

What are you doing to cool off? It's just broken 102 degrees in New York and I'm sticky and itchy in this push-up bra and Spanks midriff slenderizer. This is my first summer job. I need to make a good impression. I've tried baby powder. Angela suggested baby oil because it would make everything slip and slide more easily. I'm on break, please get back to me fast.

Cheers,

Sudsy Anonymous

Dear Sudsy Anonymous,

I feel as if I'm addressing a tossed salad rather than a young lady embarking on her first workplace experience. I don't know why you need a push-up bra on the job. These are customarily only appropriate for White House interns. But, for your summer job a pastel linen chemise over an adorable little undershirt will show off your flawless legs and make your personality sparkle regardless of the temperature.

Sip some ice water and you'll feel beautiful,

Ask A Nanny

Why can't we invade a country that is easy to spell?

2009-12-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,

I am just going to ask it, Ms. Nanny: why can't we either change the names of these spooky countries before we send in troops, or just decide that they are going to be spelled phonetically? Ever since we got involved in places other than Europe (though those Frenchmen can sure tie a guy's tongue) we have had trouble spelling names of places and generals as well as the countries theirselves. Isn't there something we can do about this?

Yours very truly,

McKinley Keene

Efferton, PA

Dear Mr. Keene,

It is a marvelous question! Opinions are varied about this solution though I am told by sources close to the Joint Chiefs, that this very problem had come under discussion during the Bush-Cheney Administration. As you might have guessed, President Bush wanted to Keep It Simple, since he preferred American names which he could read and pronounce. Iraq would have been changed to Oiltown and Pakistan would have been renamed PacMan. Other countries were slated to be reassigned as: Miracle, Pudgy West, Unicorn 6, Bountiful Walmart Way, and most curious of all, Virgin Oatmeal. Can you guess which countries these were?

Sincerely,

Ask A Nanny

Thanksgiving Panic! Help!

2009-11-21T17:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I'll get to the point.
In-laws coming (I hate them).
I can't find chestnuts this year, no where, I've checked all the stores.
Husband back from Iraq (I am in love with the cable man, but I can explain this).
I can't remember where to put the soup spoon. Is it on the inside or the outside of the teaspoon next to the knife?
Thanks,
Dot Smith
Clairview Ave. NE
Pittsfield, MA

Dear Mrs. Smith,
I'm here to help. One question: is the choice of the cable man as a love object in any way connected with utensil arrangement at festive meals? Please meditate on this, Mrs. Smith, before you spill the green beans with the onion crisps atop. The soup goes on the outside, unless you want to place it up above the plate where the dessert spoon goes. Either is acceptable in these casual times.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Ask A Nanny

Miss Dortmer, 6th Grade Teacher, makes a statement

2009-08-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
First of all, I do not approve of Nannies and their ilk. This is an example of the degradation of our once decent society and what has happened with women's liberation, gay parades, bra-burning, and no-cal soda. When I was young, women were in girdles and kept as God intended: pushed up, squeezed in and every breath bound by lycra-spandex. Point of fact, Miss Ask-A-Nanny-Know-It-All: Wars were not fought by our brave men so children could stay home from school. Wars have been fought for positive reasons: land, resources, slaves, markets for our autos, and for keeping students in school. Even today we go to war for oil so we can drive anywhere we want and give the atmosphere a jolt of hydrocarbon. Your answer is so ignorant of history I feel a hot flash floating over me. (I am fanning myself with the surprise 200-word spelling test for Wednesday) Please either get your facts straight or advise children, like the one who just wrote, that teachers like me are waiting for them.
Yours truly,
Miss Margaret Dortmner
6th Grade Teacher
Lackamunda Middle School
Plattsburg, NY

Dear Miss Dortmner,
I am so sorry to learn of your hot flashes and that your Sixth Grade Class is getting an unanticipated spelling test. That is so much for you to correct when you are feeling waves of perspiration soaking into your girdle on a hot September afternoon as the lycra eats and presses into your delicate hip and buttocks flesh. In addition to HRT (hormone replacement therapy), perhaps a slow swallow or two of gin during recess will help. Bring a flask. A happy body makes a happy mind.
Good luck and best wishes to your students.
Yours,
Ask A Nanny

Back to School Problems

2009-08-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask a Nanny,
I dont' care what you say, I dont' think that I should hav to go to school. Nanny Lucinda told me to writ to you so I am. so there.
Yours truly,
Floey Marksman
735 North Lipo Street
Miami Beach, FL

Dear Floey,
Some Nannies are unreasonable. Of course you don't have to go to school! We have fought and died in many wars to be able to be free to stay home. That's why many stalwart Americans with little education themselves are keeping their children at home to teach them esoteric ideas that have nothing to do with stupid science classes or talk of hairy apes as ancestors. Yuck! You might get to wear your hair in big rolls, or spend the whole day in a long demure dress. Cool, huh? Wow, doesn't that sound like fun? Maybe you could join one of these stay-at-home schools. Let me know.
Your friend and advisor,
Ask A Nanny

Do Republicans Have More Sex?

2009-07-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Look, I'm an independint more or less. Me, I don't care what the devil people do in there down time away from the job. You get my meaning here???? I been thinking about this and I gotta question. Why do them Republicans have so many girlfriends who aint there wives?
Thanks,
Denver Jonas Marvenhaus
Red House Road, RD#2
Altoona, PA

Dear Mr. Mavenhaus,
A deconstruction of Republican Sexualty is a worthy if tedious topic. In the interest of brevity: Girlfriends are rarely Wives. Girlfriends evoke guilt when there is a wife, however. It creates exciting tension in a hum-drum church-going, gay-bashing, anti-abortionist's life. Remember when George Bush spoke about Compassionate Conservatism? That was a coded term to the white men out there running for office and for cuties.

But, in the interest of fairness, let me remind Readers that concupiscence has limited curb appeal if indulged in by the opposing party. That sly fox Bill Clinton earned a few points himself. But he was impeached. That's because he didn't feel any guilt. Democrats don't need guilt to get passionate. This should clarify it for you.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

I am ugly, what do I do about it?

2009-07-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
My mom says that I look "special" but then she crosses herself and closes her eyes. I know, I know, don't say it: We're in a time where looks count for too much, but geeze, I would just like to be passable. Can you suggest anything? I've listened to Oprah, Tara, and even The View when I pretend to be sick and stay home. You're my last chance!
Help!
Tricheaux Sommiers
Bayonne, NY

Dear Tricheaux,
I am addressing you by your first name because I am so touched by your query. If you are indeed really hideous looking, if dogs hang their heads and run away (even Pit Bulls), if the school nurse puts on her sunglasses and dons a mask, if your father insists that you wear that Dick Cheney mask when he reads you a bedtime story, then I have the answer: A Reality Show! I am sending your name to a producer friend at Bravo. They are always in need of a person who can be the butt of jokes and vicious personal attacks, and a child! You will be a first! How marvelous! I suggest the Housewives Series, the New York ladies are ideal, but New Jersey will work. Remember, stay vulnerable.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

The Dog Days and Manhattan Malaise

2009-07-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask a Nanny,
I have missed your wisdom. Where have you been? I heard that you were indicted in the Wall Street stuff last spring. Is this true? Please tell your readers. We are txting each other trying to find out what happened to you. You aren't even tweeting much.

Anyway, that makes me blue, the thought of you being in jail. But did you get to meet Bernie Madoff and did he ask you for any advice? As you can see by my limpish words, I am feeling a little down myself. It's too hot outside, my clothes all look out of date, and, yeah, I almost forgot, my husband left me last Sunday.
Thanks,
Martha Louise Ramon
338 West 21st Street
NYC

Dear Mrs. Ramon,
Husbands come and go, but a failed wardrobe requires your immediate attention. I suggest a fashion counselor, not a stylist who will just get you to buy outrageous items at considerable markup, but a true counselor who can also write prescriptions for anti-depressants.

About Mr. Madoff, yes, I briefly encountered him while we were in the holding cell. He complimented me on my silk taffeta vest with the charmeuse blouse. That's what started our exchange. But then he offered to sell me a treasure map in exchange for some cigarettes and a packet of razor blades. As you all know, I don't smoke.

It was a case of mistaken identity and I was back home within an hour.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny

Pawn Shops

2009-01-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask A Nanny
Gavin and I have lost everything. We are both 27 and were stock analysts. Our three condos and our country house are on the brink of foreclosure, our help is working without pay and our daughter's pre-school is demanding tuition. I just noted Nanny Tina's announcement about the opening of a Pawn Shop in midtown. Although I have had no experience with pawn shop etiquette, I was wondering if it would be appropriate to pawn our daughter. It would save on the tuition and that would enable us to keep the country house. Brinsey is petite, has a nice complexion, and isn't a bed wetter. Thanks for your advice.
Debora Whittenborn
24 Warren Street
Tribeca, NY

Dear Mrs. Whittenborn,
No, Pawn Shops do not accept children. However, if you dial 911 and tell the nice operator on the line of your plan, I am certain that you will find fast and efficient help.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Holiday Problems

2008-12-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I'm a simple person. I work hard, I don't cheat too much on things more than the usual or more than anyone else around me. You know what I mean, right? Stuff from the store room, a few paper clips, an extra cup of coffee that I don't pay for in the cup, maybe some Sharpies now and then. Sometimes a few dollars here and there. But basically I figure that I try to make people feel good in return and so it all balances out in the end, right? Are you following me here? Well, here's my problem: I need to find a retirement spot that is away from everything. Everything. I don't want the phones, drop-in callers. Nothing. Just peace and quiet. Far away, get it? Any ideas? Fast, please, I'm housebound.
Thanks in advance for your advice,
B. Madoff
East 64th Street
New York, NY

Dear Ms. or Mr. Madoff,
Your name sounds familiar. Have we been introduced? In any case, first we must clarify the problem of your lax ethical parameters. You have been stealing. If, as you say, you also have made people happy, then in your unevolved spiritual path you are trying to return some joy to the hearts of others by your efforts.

You must first make amends. This might involve returning the goods and money you took. If that is not possible, you might make a pilgrimage on your knees, say, a mile for every dollar you stole as a way of atoning. A thousand dollars would be a thousand miles. Think of what strong knees you'll develop!

Alternatively, since you are housebound, you might make out a check for the total amount and mail it to NannyWorld International Charity Enterprises. It will be distributed to needy and out-of-work Nannies and purify you. Nannies are going to be among the neediest in this time of economic crisis.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny

Is It A Hat?

2008-03-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I noticed that in a recent post Nanny Tina, normally a very fashionable lady, was wearing a basket or what looked like a basket. My question is: which was it? a hat? or a basket? And if it's a basket, isn't that in poor taste? Spring in coming and I have a basket here with some yarn in it and I'm wondering if I could wear it.
Thanks in advance,
Gwendish Marzolaie
17 Buchminster Lane
Garrison, NY

Dear Ms. Marzolaie,
I haven't checked with Nanny Tina, but you are correct, she is always sylish and tasteful, if somewhat exhuberant. It was a hat, of course. Ladies do NOT wear baskets.
Yours sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Etiquette during the New Hampshire Primaries

2007-12-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask a Nanny,
I am a New Hampshire lady. I have a question. Mind you, I know how most people do things but I am not "most" people. The candidates are up here padding around this way and that trying to talk us into voting for them. I can't go to a pancake supper at my Church without having to see one or another of them. I've already met Hillary Clinton 17 times. And she never remembers me. Neither does Joe Biden, but he's got real nice teeth.

My question is this, would it be impolite to use a germ killer, like Purell, before I shake hands?
Sincerely,
Minnie Franklin
Plymouth, N.H.

Dear Ms. Franklin,
You are wise to use an antibacterial agent prior to meeting the candidates. May I suggest a mask as well, unless these are local candidates. This will protect you from most, but not all, potential viral agents that these people bring into the beautiful Granite State.
Sincerely,
Ask a Nanny

Leeland Eisenberg

2007-12-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask a Nanny,
I followed the standoff at Senator Clinton's Headquarters over there in New Hampshire. It's typical of that state anywho. Here in Vermont that would never have happened. We drink less and we don't have mental illness here. Now, my question, what would you have done if you'd been Senator Clinton?
Thanks a bunch,
Fredda Mansfred
RFD #2
Bellows Falls
Vermont

Dear Ms. Mansfred:
I can see that you have state pride. How charming! In my most extreme projective scenarios and even with a healthy imagination, I cannot nor do I wish to think of being Senator Clinton. My svelt figure, my avoidance of Botox, and my penchant for dresses make this an impossibility. So sorry I can't be more helpful.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Mosquitos

2007-08-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask a Nanny,
What can I do about the mosquitos? They are always buzzing around me, biting and making noise. Even in the wintertime. And in the school cafeteria and at scout meetings. And in my bedroom. The locker room at school and when I go for piano lessons.
Yours truly,
Jason Marbright
22 East 59th Street
New York, NY

Dear Jason,
I can see that you have attracted a determined band of followers. Think of them as very suffering souls who probably misbehaved in a former life and were sent back to live as a mosquito and haunt you because they failed to do well in school, didn't attend scout meetings or work hard at school. Take pity. They are living creatures and how you treat them will probably effect your next life.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

My mother is funny

2007-05-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
My mother is funny. I don't mean ha,ha funny, I mean unusual as in real weird. She sleeps all day and goes around vacuuming all night. I can't do my school work because she is running the electrolux when I am trying to get some rest after homework and band practice and tennis practice and studying for my college boards next year. She never takes a shower and she only wears brown no kidding only brown. Dad left a long time ago. I don't know what to do to help her or me. I will never get into an Ivy League school. What do I do?
Thank you very much.
Yours truly,
Martin Windemerkin
RFD #1
Warren, PA

Dear Mr. Windemerkin,
You do have a challenge with this unique mother! Simply put -- you don't mind my candor I hope -- The problem is the brown. She must change her wardrobe. It is holding her back and like a dog chasing his tail, she is lost in a cycle of bad color. It probably isn't even flattering, is it? During one of her down times, go into her closet and take all her clothes away replacing them with reds, blues, and greens. Don't go near black. She isn't ready for it. Tell her when she wakes that the Color Police ticketed her and you did it to spare her a long prison term. Let me know if this works.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Itching Problem

2007-05-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Hey! You guys are cool an i feel i can ax you anythin, right? Okay hear gos i got a problem and this is it. i itch a hole lot really bad an i do not no what or how to make it stop any ideas?
thanx,
davy J
978 Walkman Way
Tuscan, Arizona

Dear Mr. J,
Itching seems to be only one of your challenges. You do make your needs known and that is a plus! Consider returning to the eighth grade for a year even though I see by your enclosed bio [not reprinted here to save space] that you just received your Ph.D. is Comparative Literature from Yale summa cum laude. Advanced education often neglects the basics. This is the cause of your itch.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

I suffer from uncertainty

2007-05-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I think I am smart enough and also decent, but I can't make up my mind about anything. Take left or take right. Go up or go down. . Vanilla or chocolate. Some simple examples. My life is pretty much in the same place that it has always been. I make a small advance and then I loose ground. My therapist says I suffer from virulent ambivalence. Do you think it is a real condition or is he just saying that to get my money? I don't know anyone else who has that. Other people have phobias and depressions and ticks and low self-esteems things . I never heard of virulent ambivalence (V.A.). So my question is should I leave my therapist or should I stay with him? And if I stay with him should I maybe come back to him after I've left and if I leave him should I maybe come back later and stay?
Thanks, sort of,
Ronnie Lorton
147 Ambrook Way
Burlington, Vermont

Dear Mr. Lorton,
Maybe you should.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny

Smelly soap question

2007-05-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Why does my soap smell like mackerel?
A. Sophia
address unknown

Dear Ms. Sophia,
Your soap smells like mackerel because fish oils are an ingredient in some soaps, especially those with high emollient properties. If this bothers you or if you find that your cat is licking you excessively, let me suggest that you spritz with a nice lemon fragrance such as Hermes Jardin sur le Nile which will balance the aromas. You will have an intriguing mystery about you.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

How do I rid myself of smoke smell?

2007-05-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I saw that fire last night on Chambers Street -- it was huge -- and now all my clothes stink of smoke. So does my hair. Is it true that it was started by a dry cleaner who had just bought a new Banish-That-Smoke-Smell-Double-Strength Cleaning Machine? Do you think I should sue the dry cleaner?
Yours truly,
Harriet "Stinky" Crumbly
Chambers Street
Tribeca, NY

Dear Ms. Crumbly,
Your nickname would suggest that your disagreeable aroma has been a lifelong problem, not simply a result of the current situation. Litigation is unwise since it only materially benefits the lawyers. May I suggest that you wash your hair as a beginning?
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Ask A Nanny Special Bulletin:

2007-05-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

In fact, about one-third of the human diet comes from insect-pollinated plants, and the honeybee is responsible for 80 percent of that pollination, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Even cattle, which feed on alfalfa, depend on bees. So if the collapse worsens, we could end up being "stuck with grains and water," said Kevin Hackett, the national program leader for USDA's bee and pollination program. "This is the biggest general threat to our food supply," Hackett said.

As a qualified expert on everything Ask A Nanny declared today:

WE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS!

Ask a Nanny suggests that you write to your Senator and Congressperson and suggest, no, demand, that special funding be targeted toward discovering the cause and the cure for this potential worldwide affliction.

Why are the bees disappearing?

2007-04-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Why are the bees disappearing?
Thank you for your answer.
Sincerely,
Carol Steinberg
245 West End Avenue, apt 11 C
New York, NY

Dear Ms. Steinberg,
This is a timely question, though I doubt that you have ever seen a bee on the Upper West Side. Flies maybe. Roaches most assuredly. But bees? I don't think so. As to the reasons, if you will recall von Frisch's studies on bee rotations, this will explain it fully. May I suggest that you go to Fairway and start hoarding honey at once. Our grandchildren may never know the taste if we don't stock up now.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny

Why all the violence?

2007-04-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I notice that many confused people write to you. I don't understand why there is so much awful stuff going on. We have everything, the malls are full, shopping in the US is just wonderful and we don't have to endure the kind of awful things that people in other countries regularly experience. We have lots of tv sets and iPods and computers too. Oh, and also indoor plumbing. I don't get it.
Puzzled in Hershey
Hershey
Pennsylvania

Dear Puzzled,
Dominic the Tooth has just addressed this eloquently on NannyWorld. Apparently, owning a lot of things does not eradicate the bad feelings, especially those of anger, in our citizens. Stuff doesn't replace connection. It is up to each of us to live as loving members of our community. For instance, we Nannies conduct the NannyWorld blog helping confused people like yourself. It is important to do public service. I hope you feel better now.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

I am forty-five and stuck

2007-04-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Well, here goes. I am forty-five and I am ready for a change. I am living up on a mountain in the Adirondacks and spend my time hunting and doing target practice. From reading your blog I have the feeling that there must be more to life, but I don't know what? Do you think I could get a role on Law & Order?
I am waiting for your answer.
Stuck
RD #3
East Collateral, NY

Dear Stuck,
My, what an interesting name! You didn't mention your gender, not that that is important in my answer at all, not in the least. I think you might be perfectly suited for a small cameo appearance in Law & Order. Chris Noth is currently appearing in an outre dream sequence on NannyWorld. May I suggest you follow him there and perhaps gain a familiarity with his acting technique. Even aspiring actors (actresses) must do their homework.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Good taste in clothing

2007-04-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I like to wear only gray with small pink accents. My husband thinks it is "retro" and it reminds him of his mother who is on in years and was a teen-ager in the Fifties. I guess she wore a lot of argyle sweaters when he was young and it made a bad impression on him. With my coloring, gray and pink are the only things that work. What do you think? Should I add maybe some aqua?
Color Confused on Thomas Street
Tribeca
New York

Dear Color Confused,
Well! This is not a problem at all. Your husband's deep unconscious attachment to you is because you remind him of dear old mum. Why not add some winged rhinestone glasses and he will be lulled to perfect attunement. You could try saying in a stern voice: "Clean up your room! Brush your teeth!" and see how he reacts. If that works, then say, "Give me the number of your Swiss bank account." Or, "Tell me the name of your mistress!" He will probably become more conflicted about your bedroom activities, but Nanny Tina is seeing patients and I'm sure she could either free up her schedule or give you a membership at the Nannacize Jim.
Cordially,
Ask A Nanny

Chocolate Jesus Confusion

2007-04-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Everyone is making a stink about the chocolate Jesus. Why is this less good than a marble Jesus? Please explain.
Thank you in advance.
Stumped in Schenectady,
322 Pine Street East
Schenectady, NY

Dear Stumped,
Your question is excellent. As a child I received a chocolate cross in my Easter basket every year. It was decorated with little icing flowers. I saved it until last to eat. Delicious. Was I taking the suffering of Christ in vain? I don't think so. Today things are different. Everything has a political meaning and often what was once serious is now something we call "ironic" especially in the arts. The question we must ask then is: How was this piece intended? And how can history judge since the Choco-Crucifixion will probably melt on the first warm day in May? So it's moot. And then, there is the question of explicit genitals. Dear O Dear, is there any doubt that Christ was endowed as are all males? Were they in marble would that be better? What it assures for the artist is lots of press, appearances, sales, autographs, photographs and next year's rent. Ask a Nanny has learned that Cadbury has signed him for a new mini-Jesus line for next Easter. The chocolate (milk and bittersweet) will be filled with carmel cream.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Building fire in Tribeca last night

2007-03-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
You probably already know this, but there was a fire on the top floor of that big luxury condo being built on Greenwich and Warren Streets last night. Is it true that there is a vigiliante group who is against all the building in Tribeca? I saw Detective Oreo there with his partner, he was sniffing the air like a crime had been committed. You hear everything so I thought I'd ask.
Thanks,
Marteena Martine
Reade Street
Tribeca, NY

Dear Ms. Martine,
Yes, there was a large fire last night in that building. We understand that the plans for luxury spas and massage rooms were torched because workers had wrapped their Subway teriyaki chicken with everything wrappers around the plans inadvertently. All that grease...you understand. It was an accident we believe and have advised the Fire and Police Department accordingly. Detective Oreo often sniffs, just as a canary sings in the morning sunshine. You can rest assured that we will be alert to any wrong doing in our neighborhood.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny

Unfair Parents

2007-03-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I am think it is time that my father let me date. He doesn't like any of my friends and criticizes them when I bring them home. He wants me to get a job even though he's still working all the time at their store. Sometimes he argues with me, my mother too, about the tv shows I watch. I wish I had better parents, but I make the best of it. So, how can I get them to change? When I graduated from high school in 1984 I think they had a better attitude. Could they have Alzheimer's?
Thanks,
Mildred Wong
454 Mulberry Street
New York

Dear Miss Wong,
Yes, your parents may have Alzheimer's and no, I think it is too late to change them. Have you considered making yourself their legal guardian and moving them into an assisted living facility so they won't bother and criticize you? Then you could watch any television show that you want.
Good luck,
Ask A Nanny

Dog Manners

2007-03-25T16:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I have a Beagle puppy and I don't know how to make him be serious. He's always wagging his tail! What is wrong with him? I paid the breeder almost a thousand dollars, he's pure-bred of course and I expected a dog with manners. This tail wagging has got to stop. Suggestions?
Yours truly,
Morton Winslow III
Slacome-Style Luxury Condo Complex
West Street
Tribeca, NY

Dear Mr. Winslow,
This is a case of a clear mismatch. Sometimes this happens. You are suffering from a psycho-confusion complex (I am not a psychiatrist so I can't tell you the exact number of your diagnosis). But I can assure you with confidence it is very, very serious. You must take care of your health first. So call the vet and leave off the dog and ask them to find a new home for the pup. It's worth giving a thousand dollars to the new owners just to get rid of this ill-mannered dog.

Now, to your cure. Follow my instructions to the letter: The only thing that can cure you is difficult to obtain, but you must! Rush to a small Bodega in the Bronx that has not been attentive to its stocks and find yourself five cans of Iam's Flaked Tuna pouch cat food with serial numbers 007003860891. It must be exactly this number! With some lo-sodium crackers spread the pate liberally and eat all five cans in one sitting. Yummy! A nice bottle of burdundy with it would heighten the experience. All problems will be resolved. Remember, you must first take the wagging puppy to the vet or this cure will not work.
Eager for your cure,
Ask A Nanny

Z-z-z-z-t!

2007-03-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I have very small hands and fingers and I was showing my best friend, Margaret, how small they were and I demonstrated by putting my little finger into the electrical socket in the kitchen. Well, now it's stuck and I can't seem to remove it. I'm getting a terrific jolt through my body and my hair is starting to smell burny like. It makes typing (I'm using one hand) on the keyboard really a challenge! Can you tell me what to do?
Yours truly,
Electrified in Concord, MA,

Dear Electrified,
Let's explore your relationship with your friend Margaret. Why would you need to show off how little your fingers are? This infantile behavior is appropriate to someone perhaps three, but not an adult woman who can use a computer keyboard. I suggest that you call a therapist (or ask Margaret to dial the phone for you) and make an appointment at once. Best of luck working out this severe developmental problem.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

Casual Friday

2007-03-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
My company just instituted something called Casual Friday. I guess we're supposed to wear weekend clothes or something. I don't know what to wear. Does this mean bathing suits? One or two piece? Bikinis? Thongs with no bra? What? This is really weird. You see I'm a registered Nudist (NYS has a board where you pay a fee of $50 and get a card) and so my weekends are spent without clothes. Also my evenings and mornings before I leave for work. Do I dare bring this up with my supervisor? Help!
Confused in Oneonta, NY

Dear Confused in Oneonta, NY,
First, I didn't realize that Oneonta skipped over the eighties. Casual Friday is an old concept. What kind of a company do you work for? Disco Dan's? Every day is casual now in the 21st century workplace. Have you seen the atrocious way those geeks at Microsoft dress? Hellloooo! So, a nudist? Well, it depends on your figure. If you are overweight and with sagging breasts, I believe it is perfectly acceptable to attend Casual Friday in the buff. If, however, you are trim, tight muscled and toned with perky breasts and a flat stomach and no unsightly veins, then NO! Do not attend Casual Friday in the nude. I believe the reasons are obvious and I do not wish to explain on a site that might be read by curious adolescents.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny

An Irate Wife Complains

2007-03-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I think my husband wrote you saying he was a big deal hedgefund honcho. First, you should know he's a liar. Second, he's unreliable. Third, he exaggerates. Fourth, he can't handle money. And Fifth and last, he bought his degree from some mail order place in the Caribbean. I just wanted you to know that.
Sincerely angry,
Mrs. X

Dear Sincerely Angry,
Everything you tell me is consistent with your husband being a "big deal hedgefund honcho." If there's anything else let me know.
Your truly,
Ask A Nanny

Correct Attire

2007-03-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I am a hedgefund manager and generally know everything about everything. Since I am getting bonuses that could buy and sell most Senators and their families, relatives and lobbyists, I'm pretty confident, some would say sure of myself. But this one stumps me. I've been invited to a duel and I don't know what to wear. It's important because of the connections I'll make. I don't know what to wear and further how to make the conversation flow. What do I talk about?
Thank you,
Martin Schongaeuer
Fidelityascal Fund
Bond Street
NYC

Dear Mr. Schongaeuer,
The correct attire for a duel depends on the ambiance of the event. Dueling fiddles, for instance, a practice deep in the Ozarks and some West Virginia hill communities would require flannel shirts and overalls with a casual air and perhaps a flask of strong alcohol obtained from off-the-grid distilleries, most of which are local and sporting little known labels such as Jeb's Sweet Fly Piss, and Eban's Stick n' Yer Eye Sour Mash Kabango. Your demeanor at this event would be easy, relaxed, but stringy and spare. Not too much conversation is necessary at these events. Caution: do not attend with an empty stomach. Don't forget: under no circumstances should you reveal that you are from New York City. You might be mistaken for a bureaucrat from the Treasury Department.

If you attend a duel involving pistols or fencing weapons, then a altogether different demeanor is required. I suggest silken trousers and a damask waistcoat, perhaps an embroidered shirt with ties at the throat, kid gloves and shoes and also a full stomach. In the event of death of one or both of the duelers, you may be called upon to say the Last Rites. Learn this ahead of time so you say it correctly should there be no priest, rabbi or minister present.

Once the duel has concluded and last rites said, then any conversation is acceptable, but the market is always correct IF you wait until the corpse has been removed.

I hope this assists you.
Yours,
Ask A Nanny

O dear, O dear

2007-03-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

We're just received this e-mail from one of our Readers. Please be advised that we believe in freedom of speech so it is posted unedited. We had no idea we had readers of so little grammatical affluence.

Message for Desperate and Miserable Hal M:

Honey, if youse from Dayton, ya got more dan money problems. Have
youse noticed anyting funny about your wife lately???

If NannyMolly's ideas turn up any money for ya, I got a hot tip for da market. If innerested, contack me, (I'm Sal) at:
DeweyCheatumandHowe@coldmail.com.

Good luck to ya, guy--I tink you need it.
Joisey Girl

I am a bigamist

2007-03-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I admit it. I have two wives. One on Park Avenue and one in Tribeca. It's a long story. There was a gambling debt. And then there was this guy I met at the carwash, and well anyway, now I have two wives. But that's only part of the problem. One of them is named Irene and the other one, the Tribeca one, is named Eileen. I feel like I've got dylexia cause of the name confusion. I'm handling all the other things fine, but I'm obsessed with worry about mispronouncing Irene and calling her Eileen or calling Eileen Irene. I can't sleep at night and I'm having bad dreams. Can you help?
Yours truly,
Tongue-Tied Uptown and Downtown

Dear Tonque-Tied,
First, I must remind you that bigamy is illegal, unless, of course one of your marriages was not legal, in which case you are just having an affair which is a sin in the eyes of your maker, but in Tribeca at least, no big deal. Second, it seems to me that in your wish to punish yourself for this, you intentionally chose two women with confusing names. Why not Irene and Gretyl? Or Eileen and Artemis? Very suspicious. Instead of having double the fun you are having double trouble. I suggest that you buy each of your wives gold necklaces with their names spelled out in diamonds and ask them never to remove them as a token of your committment. That way you will never make a mistake as long as you leave the lights on. Also, always carry a small flashlight.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

This is terrible, I feel so embarrassed

2007-03-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask a Nanny:
I am humiliated that I am posting this on the internet for everyone and his brother to see. I hope no one knows who I am even though it is obvious that I am married to Hal McMurton and live in Dayton, Ohio. I will just deal with it and talk to my pastor when the talk spreads. But, I am desperate and need your help. I've tried Oprah, Dr. Phil and they didn't do much in spite of the trips for appearances on the shows, and the free therapy, signed books and nutrition supplements. You are my last resort. Okay, here goes. (I'm taking a deep breath). Okay.

I had a dream about a man I work with in the trucking company. Don't hate me. It was not a nice dream because we are both married. But not to each other. And we were ... kissing and such. There, I said it! I am mortified. Next, I'll be going into a 7-11 and shooting up the place. This is the beginning of the end, I'm sure. What do I do to stop this downward amoral spiral?
Yours truly,
Guilty in Dayton

Dear Guilty in Dayton,
It sounds as if you have already thrown in the towel, in this case the lacy Victoria's Secret garterbelt and bustier. May I suggest a fast of several weeks and the repeated use of a flogging device which will raise uncomfortable welts on your back? You seem to crave punishment for your bad thoughts. However, Mrs. Guilty in Dayton, appearing on Oprah and Dr. Phil is not punishment. It is indulgence. Trips, hotel stays, meals, expert make up and cookies in the Green Room, being on national television and getting to touch Oprah and Dr. Phil in the flesh. Is that really what you call suffering? It would be suffering if they had ebola or something, but they don't as far as we know.

So let's find out about the gentleman in your dream. Is he a big handsome Teamster? Does he wear clothes that show his large muscled frame? Or is he a beer-bellied slob with a day's growth of beard? Your answer may tell you what you want to do. Remember, what goes on in your head, just like Vegas, stays in your head. Therefore, the only real solution is that you have a torrid and raptuous tryst with the Teamster and stop telling people about it. Hubby is no worse for it and you will find sexual satisfaction at long last.
Best to you,
Ask A Nanny

Stock Market Emergency Help

2007-03-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask a Nanny,
Please don't make fun of me. I am asking a serious question. I am loosing my shirt on Wall Street this week. My wife doesn't know that I am doing day trading on the side and have used up our college account for the two kids, our savings, and the money Shirley inherited from her father's business. What do I do that doesn't involve jumping out of a window?
Desperate and Miserable,
Hal M.

Dear Desperate and Miserable Hal M.,
Goodness gracious, Hal. You are in a peck of trouble! But, stay centered and try to see the big picture. Let me ask you this: Do you have a sizable life insurance policy or perhaps a safe deposit box that you forgot about? Think now. Any change in your pockets in your jackets in the closet? Go check and be thorough. In the seat cushions of those oversized sofas? Go check. Or in the glove compartments of your two garaged cars? Go check. Then there are always the coin slots in phone booths. On second thought, there are not many of these left these days.

Okay, let's just problem solve here ... you don't like the idea of jumping out the window. Is that about heights or about windows? Do you feel the same about bridges? Let me know.
Best of luck,
Ask A Nanny

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Thank God, I found this site! I am twelve and have a problem. One of my eyes is blue and the other one is brown. I hate myself!!! I tried eye shadow, brown over the blue eye and blue over the brown eye thinking it would you know balance the things out but Kevin told me that I look like I'm a stoplite! I hate him!!!! So I have started wearing sunglasses so no one will know. I asked my parents for an eye transplant and they won't agree to it. What do I do?
Thanks, you are so cool.
Marleeta Miserable
St. Petersburg, Florida

Dear Marleeta Miserable,
Is Miserable your true sirname? That would be an interesting synchrony, wouldn't it? Eye replacements are cutting edge today and done at only some of the very best clinics in the country. Your parents are being unreasonable and perhaps are trying to assert too much control to stave off their own awareness of their inevitable aging and loss of control. There are many lawyers today who take on issues of parental malfeasance. May I suggest that you contact one of these so that you can move onto correcting this hideously difficult appearance problem.
Wishing you the very best,
Ask A Nanny

A New Blog for All Your Queries

2007-03-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

Deluged with emails, the time has come to give Ask a Nanny it's own blog. Send you queries on all subjects direct to us at NannyWorld@gmail.com. If you are chosen, your question will appear right here. We have expertise in most all areas of life, so don't be timid. Please remember to check your spelling before you post.