Dear Ask A Nanny,
First of all, I do not approve of Nannies and their ilk. This is an example of the degradation of our once decent society and what has happened with women's liberation, gay parades, bra-burning, and no-cal soda. When I was young, women were in girdles and kept as God intended: pushed up, squeezed in and every breath bound by lycra-spandex. Point of fact, Miss Ask-A-Nanny-Know-It-All: Wars were not fought by our brave men so children could stay home from school. Wars have been fought for positive reasons: land, resources, slaves, markets for our autos, and for keeping students in school. Even today we go to war for oil so we can drive anywhere we want and give the atmosphere a jolt of hydrocarbon. Your answer is so ignorant of history I feel a hot flash floating over me. (I am fanning myself with the surprise 200-word spelling test for Wednesday) Please either get your facts straight or advise children, like the one who just wrote, that teachers like me are waiting for them.
Yours truly,
Miss Margaret Dortmner
6th Grade Teacher
Lackamunda Middle School
Plattsburg, NY
Dear Miss Dortmner,
I am so sorry to learn of your hot flashes and that your Sixth Grade Class is getting an unanticipated spelling test. That is so much for you to correct when you are feeling waves of perspiration soaking into your girdle on a hot September afternoon as the lycra eats and presses into your delicate hip and buttocks flesh. In addition to HRT (hormone replacement therapy), perhaps a slow swallow or two of gin during recess will help. Bring a flask. A happy body makes a happy mind.
Good luck and best wishes to your students.
Yours,
Ask A Nanny
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Back to School Problems
Dear Ask a Nanny,
I dont' care what you say, I dont' think that I should hav to go to school. Nanny Lucinda told me to writ to you so I am. so there.
Yours truly,
Floey Marksman
735 North Lipo Street
Miami Beach, FL
Dear Floey,
Some Nannies are unreasonable. Of course you don't have to go to school! We have fought and died in many wars to be able to be free to stay home. That's why many stalwart Americans with little education themselves are keeping their children at home to teach them esoteric ideas that have nothing to do with stupid science classes or talk of hairy apes as ancestors. Yuck! You might get to wear your hair in big rolls, or spend the whole day in a long demure dress. Cool, huh? Wow, doesn't that sound like fun? Maybe you could join one of these stay-at-home schools. Let me know.
Your friend and advisor,
Ask A Nanny
I dont' care what you say, I dont' think that I should hav to go to school. Nanny Lucinda told me to writ to you so I am. so there.
Yours truly,
Floey Marksman
735 North Lipo Street
Miami Beach, FL
Dear Floey,
Some Nannies are unreasonable. Of course you don't have to go to school! We have fought and died in many wars to be able to be free to stay home. That's why many stalwart Americans with little education themselves are keeping their children at home to teach them esoteric ideas that have nothing to do with stupid science classes or talk of hairy apes as ancestors. Yuck! You might get to wear your hair in big rolls, or spend the whole day in a long demure dress. Cool, huh? Wow, doesn't that sound like fun? Maybe you could join one of these stay-at-home schools. Let me know.
Your friend and advisor,
Ask A Nanny
Monday, July 20, 2009
Do Republicans Have More Sex?
Dear Ask A Nanny,
Look, I'm an independint more or less. Me, I don't care what the devil people do in there down time away from the job. You get my meaning here???? I been thinking about this and I gotta question. Why do them Republicans have so many girlfriends who aint there wives?
Thanks,
Denver Jonas Marvenhaus
Red House Road, RD#2
Altoona, PA
Dear Mr. Mavenhaus,
A deconstruction of Republican Sexualty is a worthy if tedious topic. In the interest of brevity: Girlfriends are rarely Wives. Girlfriends evoke guilt when there is a wife, however. It creates exciting tension in a hum-drum church-going, gay-bashing, anti-abortionist's life. Remember when George Bush spoke about Compassionate Conservatism? That was a coded term to the white men out there running for office and for cuties.
But, in the interest of fairness, let me remind Readers that concupiscence has limited curb appeal if indulged in by the opposing party. That sly fox Bill Clinton earned a few points himself. But he was impeached. That's because he didn't feel any guilt. Democrats don't need guilt to get passionate. This should clarify it for you.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny
Look, I'm an independint more or less. Me, I don't care what the devil people do in there down time away from the job. You get my meaning here???? I been thinking about this and I gotta question. Why do them Republicans have so many girlfriends who aint there wives?
Thanks,
Denver Jonas Marvenhaus
Red House Road, RD#2
Altoona, PA
Dear Mr. Mavenhaus,
A deconstruction of Republican Sexualty is a worthy if tedious topic. In the interest of brevity: Girlfriends are rarely Wives. Girlfriends evoke guilt when there is a wife, however. It creates exciting tension in a hum-drum church-going, gay-bashing, anti-abortionist's life. Remember when George Bush spoke about Compassionate Conservatism? That was a coded term to the white men out there running for office and for cuties.
But, in the interest of fairness, let me remind Readers that concupiscence has limited curb appeal if indulged in by the opposing party. That sly fox Bill Clinton earned a few points himself. But he was impeached. That's because he didn't feel any guilt. Democrats don't need guilt to get passionate. This should clarify it for you.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I am ugly, what do I do about it?
Dear Ask A Nanny,
My mom says that I look "special" but then she crosses herself and closes her eyes. I know, I know, don't say it: We're in a time where looks count for too much, but geeze, I would just like to be passable. Can you suggest anything? I've listened to Oprah, Tara, and even The View when I pretend to be sick and stay home. You're my last chance!
Help!
Tricheaux Sommiers
Bayonne, NY
Dear Tricheaux,
I am addressing you by your first name because I am so touched by your query. If you are indeed really hideous looking, if dogs hang their heads and run away (even Pit Bulls), if the school nurse puts on her sunglasses and dons a mask, if your father insists that you wear that Dick Cheney mask when he reads you a bedtime story, then I have the answer: A Reality Show! I am sending your name to a producer friend at Bravo. They are always in need of a person who can be the butt of jokes and vicious personal attacks, and a child! You will be a first! How marvelous! I suggest the Housewives Series, the New York ladies are ideal, but New Jersey will work. Remember, stay vulnerable.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny
My mom says that I look "special" but then she crosses herself and closes her eyes. I know, I know, don't say it: We're in a time where looks count for too much, but geeze, I would just like to be passable. Can you suggest anything? I've listened to Oprah, Tara, and even The View when I pretend to be sick and stay home. You're my last chance!
Help!
Tricheaux Sommiers
Bayonne, NY
Dear Tricheaux,
I am addressing you by your first name because I am so touched by your query. If you are indeed really hideous looking, if dogs hang their heads and run away (even Pit Bulls), if the school nurse puts on her sunglasses and dons a mask, if your father insists that you wear that Dick Cheney mask when he reads you a bedtime story, then I have the answer: A Reality Show! I am sending your name to a producer friend at Bravo. They are always in need of a person who can be the butt of jokes and vicious personal attacks, and a child! You will be a first! How marvelous! I suggest the Housewives Series, the New York ladies are ideal, but New Jersey will work. Remember, stay vulnerable.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Dog Days and Manhattan Malaise
Dear Ask a Nanny,
I have missed your wisdom. Where have you been? I heard that you were indicted in the Wall Street stuff last spring. Is this true? Please tell your readers. We are txting each other trying to find out what happened to you. You aren't even tweeting much.
Anyway, that makes me blue, the thought of you being in jail. But did you get to meet Bernie Madoff and did he ask you for any advice? As you can see by my limpish words, I am feeling a little down myself. It's too hot outside, my clothes all look out of date, and, yeah, I almost forgot, my husband left me last Sunday.
Thanks,
Martha Louise Ramon
338 West 21st Street
NYC
Dear Mrs. Ramon,
Husbands come and go, but a failed wardrobe requires your immediate attention. I suggest a fashion counselor, not a stylist who will just get you to buy outrageous items at considerable markup, but a true counselor who can also write prescriptions for anti-depressants.
About Mr. Madoff, yes, I briefly encountered him while we were in the holding cell. He complimented me on my silk taffeta vest with the charmeuse blouse. That's what started our exchange. But then he offered to sell me a treasure map in exchange for some cigarettes and a packet of razor blades. As you all know, I don't smoke.
It was a case of mistaken identity and I was back home within an hour.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny
I have missed your wisdom. Where have you been? I heard that you were indicted in the Wall Street stuff last spring. Is this true? Please tell your readers. We are txting each other trying to find out what happened to you. You aren't even tweeting much.
Anyway, that makes me blue, the thought of you being in jail. But did you get to meet Bernie Madoff and did he ask you for any advice? As you can see by my limpish words, I am feeling a little down myself. It's too hot outside, my clothes all look out of date, and, yeah, I almost forgot, my husband left me last Sunday.
Thanks,
Martha Louise Ramon
338 West 21st Street
NYC
Dear Mrs. Ramon,
Husbands come and go, but a failed wardrobe requires your immediate attention. I suggest a fashion counselor, not a stylist who will just get you to buy outrageous items at considerable markup, but a true counselor who can also write prescriptions for anti-depressants.
About Mr. Madoff, yes, I briefly encountered him while we were in the holding cell. He complimented me on my silk taffeta vest with the charmeuse blouse. That's what started our exchange. But then he offered to sell me a treasure map in exchange for some cigarettes and a packet of razor blades. As you all know, I don't smoke.
It was a case of mistaken identity and I was back home within an hour.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny
Monday, January 19, 2009
Pawn Shops
Dear Ask A Nanny
Gavin and I have lost everything. We are both 27 and were stock analysts. Our three condos and our country house are on the brink of foreclosure, our help is working without pay and our daughter's pre-school is demanding tuition. I just noted Nanny Tina's announcement about the opening of a Pawn Shop in midtown. Although I have had no experience with pawn shop etiquette, I was wondering if it would be appropriate to pawn our daughter. It would save on the tuition and that would enable us to keep the country house. Brinsey is petite, has a nice complexion, and isn't a bed wetter. Thanks for your advice.
Debora Whittenborn
24 Warren Street
Tribeca, NY
Dear Mrs. Whittenborn,
No, Pawn Shops do not accept children. However, if you dial 911 and tell the nice operator on the line of your plan, I am certain that you will find fast and efficient help.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny
Gavin and I have lost everything. We are both 27 and were stock analysts. Our three condos and our country house are on the brink of foreclosure, our help is working without pay and our daughter's pre-school is demanding tuition. I just noted Nanny Tina's announcement about the opening of a Pawn Shop in midtown. Although I have had no experience with pawn shop etiquette, I was wondering if it would be appropriate to pawn our daughter. It would save on the tuition and that would enable us to keep the country house. Brinsey is petite, has a nice complexion, and isn't a bed wetter. Thanks for your advice.
Debora Whittenborn
24 Warren Street
Tribeca, NY
Dear Mrs. Whittenborn,
No, Pawn Shops do not accept children. However, if you dial 911 and tell the nice operator on the line of your plan, I am certain that you will find fast and efficient help.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Holiday Problems
Dear Ask A Nanny,
I'm a simple person. I work hard, I don't cheat too much on things more than the usual or more than anyone else around me. You know what I mean, right? Stuff from the store room, a few paper clips, an extra cup of coffee that I don't pay for in the cup, maybe some Sharpies now and then. Sometimes a few dollars here and there. But basically I figure that I try to make people feel good in return and so it all balances out in the end, right? Are you following me here? Well, here's my problem: I need to find a retirement spot that is away from everything. Everything. I don't want the phones, drop-in callers. Nothing. Just peace and quiet. Far away, get it? Any ideas? Fast, please, I'm housebound.
Thanks in advance for your advice,
B. Madoff
East 64th Street
New York, NY
Dear Ms. or Mr. Madoff,
Your name sounds familiar. Have we been introduced? In any case, first we must clarify the problem of your lax ethical parameters. You have been stealing. If, as you say, you also have made people happy, then in your unevolved spiritual path you are trying to return some joy to the hearts of others by your efforts.
You must first make amends. This might involve returning the goods and money you took. If that is not possible, you might make a pilgrimage on your knees, say, a mile for every dollar you stole as a way of atoning. A thousand dollars would be a thousand miles. Think of what strong knees you'll develop!
Alternatively, since you are housebound, you might make out a check for the total amount and mail it to NannyWorld International Charity Enterprises. It will be distributed to needy and out-of-work Nannies and purify you. Nannies are going to be among the neediest in this time of economic crisis.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny
I'm a simple person. I work hard, I don't cheat too much on things more than the usual or more than anyone else around me. You know what I mean, right? Stuff from the store room, a few paper clips, an extra cup of coffee that I don't pay for in the cup, maybe some Sharpies now and then. Sometimes a few dollars here and there. But basically I figure that I try to make people feel good in return and so it all balances out in the end, right? Are you following me here? Well, here's my problem: I need to find a retirement spot that is away from everything. Everything. I don't want the phones, drop-in callers. Nothing. Just peace and quiet. Far away, get it? Any ideas? Fast, please, I'm housebound.
Thanks in advance for your advice,
B. Madoff
East 64th Street
New York, NY
Dear Ms. or Mr. Madoff,
Your name sounds familiar. Have we been introduced? In any case, first we must clarify the problem of your lax ethical parameters. You have been stealing. If, as you say, you also have made people happy, then in your unevolved spiritual path you are trying to return some joy to the hearts of others by your efforts.
You must first make amends. This might involve returning the goods and money you took. If that is not possible, you might make a pilgrimage on your knees, say, a mile for every dollar you stole as a way of atoning. A thousand dollars would be a thousand miles. Think of what strong knees you'll develop!
Alternatively, since you are housebound, you might make out a check for the total amount and mail it to NannyWorld International Charity Enterprises. It will be distributed to needy and out-of-work Nannies and purify you. Nannies are going to be among the neediest in this time of economic crisis.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny
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