Why can't we invade a country that is easy to spell?

Dear Ask A Nanny,

I am just going to ask it, Ms. Nanny: why can't we either change the names of these spooky countries before we send in troops, or just decide that they are going to be spelled phonetically? Ever since we got involved in places other than Europe (though those Frenchmen can sure tie a guy's tongue) we have had trouble spelling names of places and generals as well as the countries theirselves. Isn't there something we can do about this?

Yours very truly,

McKinley Keene

Efferton, PA

Dear Mr. Keene,

It is a marvelous question! Opinions are varied about this solution though I am told by sources close to the Joint Chiefs, that this very problem had come under discussion during the Bush-Cheney Administration. As you might have guessed, President Bush wanted to Keep It Simple, since he preferred American names which he could read and pronounce. Iraq would have been changed to Oiltown and Pakistan would have been renamed PacMan. Other countries were slated to be reassigned as: Miracle, Pudgy West, Unicorn 6, Bountiful Walmart Way, and most curious of all, Virgin Oatmeal. Can you guess which countries these were?

Sincerely,

Ask A Nanny

Thanksgiving Panic! Help!

Dear Ask A Nanny,
I'll get to the point.
In-laws coming (I hate them).
I can't find chestnuts this year, no where, I've checked all the stores.
Husband back from Iraq (I am in love with the cable man, but I can explain this).
I can't remember where to put the soup spoon. Is it on the inside or the outside of the teaspoon next to the knife?
Thanks,
Dot Smith
Clairview Ave. NE
Pittsfield, MA

Dear Mrs. Smith,
I'm here to help. One question: is the choice of the cable man as a love object in any way connected with utensil arrangement at festive meals? Please meditate on this, Mrs. Smith, before you spill the green beans with the onion crisps atop. The soup goes on the outside, unless you want to place it up above the plate where the dessert spoon goes. Either is acceptable in these casual times.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Ask A Nanny

Miss Dortmer, 6th Grade Teacher, makes a statement

Dear Ask A Nanny,
First of all, I do not approve of Nannies and their ilk. This is an example of the degradation of our once decent society and what has happened with women's liberation, gay parades, bra-burning, and no-cal soda. When I was young, women were in girdles and kept as God intended: pushed up, squeezed in and every breath bound by lycra-spandex. Point of fact, Miss Ask-A-Nanny-Know-It-All: Wars were not fought by our brave men so children could stay home from school. Wars have been fought for positive reasons: land, resources, slaves, markets for our autos, and for keeping students in school. Even today we go to war for oil so we can drive anywhere we want and give the atmosphere a jolt of hydrocarbon. Your answer is so ignorant of history I feel a hot flash floating over me. (I am fanning myself with the surprise 200-word spelling test for Wednesday) Please either get your facts straight or advise children, like the one who just wrote, that teachers like me are waiting for them.
Yours truly,
Miss Margaret Dortmner
6th Grade Teacher
Lackamunda Middle School
Plattsburg, NY

Dear Miss Dortmner,
I am so sorry to learn of your hot flashes and that your Sixth Grade Class is getting an unanticipated spelling test. That is so much for you to correct when you are feeling waves of perspiration soaking into your girdle on a hot September afternoon as the lycra eats and presses into your delicate hip and buttocks flesh. In addition to HRT (hormone replacement therapy), perhaps a slow swallow or two of gin during recess will help. Bring a flask. A happy body makes a happy mind.
Good luck and best wishes to your students.
Yours,
Ask A Nanny

Back to School Problems

Dear Ask a Nanny,
I dont' care what you say, I dont' think that I should hav to go to school. Nanny Lucinda told me to writ to you so I am. so there.
Yours truly,
Floey Marksman
735 North Lipo Street
Miami Beach, FL

Dear Floey,
Some Nannies are unreasonable. Of course you don't have to go to school! We have fought and died in many wars to be able to be free to stay home. That's why many stalwart Americans with little education themselves are keeping their children at home to teach them esoteric ideas that have nothing to do with stupid science classes or talk of hairy apes as ancestors. Yuck! You might get to wear your hair in big rolls, or spend the whole day in a long demure dress. Cool, huh? Wow, doesn't that sound like fun? Maybe you could join one of these stay-at-home schools. Let me know.
Your friend and advisor,
Ask A Nanny

Do Republicans Have More Sex?

Dear Ask A Nanny,
Look, I'm an independint more or less. Me, I don't care what the devil people do in there down time away from the job. You get my meaning here???? I been thinking about this and I gotta question. Why do them Republicans have so many girlfriends who aint there wives?
Thanks,
Denver Jonas Marvenhaus
Red House Road, RD#2
Altoona, PA

Dear Mr. Mavenhaus,
A deconstruction of Republican Sexualty is a worthy if tedious topic. In the interest of brevity: Girlfriends are rarely Wives. Girlfriends evoke guilt when there is a wife, however. It creates exciting tension in a hum-drum church-going, gay-bashing, anti-abortionist's life. Remember when George Bush spoke about Compassionate Conservatism? That was a coded term to the white men out there running for office and for cuties.

But, in the interest of fairness, let me remind Readers that concupiscence has limited curb appeal if indulged in by the opposing party. That sly fox Bill Clinton earned a few points himself. But he was impeached. That's because he didn't feel any guilt. Democrats don't need guilt to get passionate. This should clarify it for you.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

I am ugly, what do I do about it?

Dear Ask A Nanny,
My mom says that I look "special" but then she crosses herself and closes her eyes. I know, I know, don't say it: We're in a time where looks count for too much, but geeze, I would just like to be passable. Can you suggest anything? I've listened to Oprah, Tara, and even The View when I pretend to be sick and stay home. You're my last chance!
Help!
Tricheaux Sommiers
Bayonne, NY

Dear Tricheaux,
I am addressing you by your first name because I am so touched by your query. If you are indeed really hideous looking, if dogs hang their heads and run away (even Pit Bulls), if the school nurse puts on her sunglasses and dons a mask, if your father insists that you wear that Dick Cheney mask when he reads you a bedtime story, then I have the answer: A Reality Show! I am sending your name to a producer friend at Bravo. They are always in need of a person who can be the butt of jokes and vicious personal attacks, and a child! You will be a first! How marvelous! I suggest the Housewives Series, the New York ladies are ideal, but New Jersey will work. Remember, stay vulnerable.
Sincerely,
Ask A Nanny

The Dog Days and Manhattan Malaise

Dear Ask a Nanny,
I have missed your wisdom. Where have you been? I heard that you were indicted in the Wall Street stuff last spring. Is this true? Please tell your readers. We are txting each other trying to find out what happened to you. You aren't even tweeting much.

Anyway, that makes me blue, the thought of you being in jail. But did you get to meet Bernie Madoff and did he ask you for any advice? As you can see by my limpish words, I am feeling a little down myself. It's too hot outside, my clothes all look out of date, and, yeah, I almost forgot, my husband left me last Sunday.
Thanks,
Martha Louise Ramon
338 West 21st Street
NYC


Dear Mrs. Ramon,
Husbands come and go, but a failed wardrobe requires your immediate attention. I suggest a fashion counselor, not a stylist who will just get you to buy outrageous items at considerable markup, but a true counselor who can also write prescriptions for anti-depressants.

About Mr. Madoff, yes, I briefly encountered him while we were in the holding cell. He complimented me on my silk taffeta vest with the charmeuse blouse. That's what started our exchange. But then he offered to sell me a treasure map in exchange for some cigarettes and a packet of razor blades. As you all know, I don't smoke.

It was a case of mistaken identity and I was back home within an hour.
Yours truly,
Ask A Nanny